listening to the new ryan adams cd right now on his website, mourning the fact that not only am i missing the bright eyes show next week (this week?), but i am also missing the ryan adams show, which is on june 15th.  i dont come back from italy until the 17th. i am so damn disappointed! i need to go to england to catch the next show. but, i will be here for warped tour (dropkick and others!) though i dont know if i can go.

graduation + parties. fun. i guess. graduation was long and boring. just glad its over. it didnt feel like some great transition in life. it felt like another unnecessarily long ceremony that breached the constitutional "separation of church and state". just another hour and a half of calling out names. [i dont feel any different. ask me once i get to michigan in august. i've never had any type of reality hit all at once before, and i dont expect this to be any different. remember, im distant always, though it is unintentional sometimes.] parties were fun. mine got rained out on sunday, but it was cool anyway. the huge party on friday was great though. but remind me to never wear a white shirt to a party ever again. lol. will post pictures sometime. maybe.

just hanging out right now, feeling slightly distant, as usual. packing for italy & getting all sorts of crap sorted out before i leave.

i am so in love with ryan adams right now. his voice, that familiar twang and all that country music is so comforting -- i dont know why.  i feel like such a hypocrite when i listen to him -- i always say i'll listen to anything but country, but considering ryan adams is alternative country, i should re-evaluate that statement. i feel the need to spend the fifteen dollars (or how ever much it is) to buy cold roses. right now.

sometimes, loving you is a dream that's not worth having.

i had a dream last night. it hurt me.

i think i am missing something -- some vital element of the story, like i've closed my eyes for a second to rest them from the monotony of a daytime drama, and once i've reopened them, the scene is upside-down -- and i've missed it all with no hope of being caught up -- or maybe i'm missing that part of my brain that allows me to succumb to the natural drama, unhappiness, and general emo-ness of everything surrounding me. that's gotta be it -- i see, from behind an invisible, though impenetrable wall, people crying and dying and hiding away in self destructive corners and i shut down and refuse to be dragged down into the abyss. and of course, you must sense this -- it must be that infamous "ice princess" vibe, ne? not uncaring, you see. just gone -- im already gone.

so tired. prom was fun, and ape was tons of fun too -- but i may have slightly bruised my ribs from all the obstacle courses and such.  my right side is all puffy and it really hurts.

i have so much damn work to do for english and newspaper.  it shouldnt be this way. there are only 6 more days of fcking school, and i have a crapload of work to do. ugh.

but

in two and half weeks, i will be in italy with emily.  i am soooooooo excited!

and

i finally got a new notebook. moleskine. i love it because the pages lie (mostly) flat and the lines are pretty close together. <3

i need a new notebook.

the blue one is finished. i feel slightly odd not having something to write in whenever i need to write -- but then again, it feels odd that i am lacking the need to write in the first place. i keep starting poems, damnbrits entries, short stories, essay, etcetera etcetera, but lose interest after the first line or sentence. my favorite unfinished piece is: tea, breakfast are my favorite euphemisms for sex. there is a whole page somewhere devoted to this sentence but i cant bring myself to finish it.

//

sometimes, it feels shitty to be alive. i frown a lot more than i want to. but when everyone around me is drowning, it doesnt feel right to smile.

( woo hoo!  )

no energy. must get some. bah. school needs to be over. now.

finally got my senior pictures done yesterday. mrs hall did them and they look wonderful. will be sending a few out soon.

its nice being in a good mood and not realizing it. it happens so rarely that i cant get over how unusually giddy i am right now.  and for no apparent reason. must relish it while it lasts.

whatever happened to free-flowing communication?

after much shouting at my ridiculous email account, i finished sending off the paper -- my last newspaper as editor.  you have no idea how excited i am. dont get me wrong, i love newspaper. but now its over. and i am so happy. all thats left is senior insert. and then i get to write my senior will. im gonna miss newspaper.

the craziness of april is almost over.  this weekend i will be freeeeeeee! im going to get my hair cut. im not going to dye it blue. and i might get my senior pictures done too (not professionally though, i've run out of time for that). and im gonna do some chem, so that i can get a decent grade and not have to take my final. and im gonna write my children's book for english.  of course, my luck would have it that i got a nature loving, cat loving kid who wants me to write a fable with talking animals. i wanted to write about dragons. but she doesnt like dragons. i think i might also have to finish reading anna karenina soon. 690 pages down, 250 pages to go.  i've been reading since september.  ugh. its a good book though. just looooong. also, must choregraph our dance for class -- sarah and i are dancing to "i can't do it alone" from the Chicago soundtrack. much fun.

trying to organize some sort of senior trip to europe still.

pictures from my aunt's wedding will be coming soon -- so you all can see my ugly brides' maid dress!

ooooh, and damnbrits! the plot thickens! the gossip is juicier, and the men are hotter than ever! or something. (<<doesnt it sound like an ad for a soap opera?) coming soon...

is hAze still alive?